Wake Happy

Journey to a smile.

Andy AuGustin

The Ruling

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Friday was devastating. The ruling was a direct assault on the health, freedom, and liberties of millions. If you think the ruling doesn’t affect you, you’re really not paying attention. And if you think anyone wants to kill babies, you haven’t been listening.

If you are a woman or have a woman in your life that you love, I’m so, so sorry. You woke up with less freedom than you went to sleep with. There’s a very real threat to your well-being that didn’t exist the day before. A punch to the gut, slap in the face, pick your metaphor. What happened Friday is categorically unjust and unfair.

There are plenty of people pledging to fight, asking for your vote, promising to leave the country, and a hundred other reactions. I don’t know what right answer is. I don’t know how much hope I have that anything will get better any time soon.

I do know that if you’re devasted by the ruling, you’re not alone. If you’re feeling attacked, you’re not alone. If you’re reeling, confused, afraid, you are not alone. If you’re distracted, depressed, if you’re dealing with feelings of hopelessness, you are not alone.

There will be time to take action, and I think that time will be different for everyone. But there should also be time to process.

If you need time to disconnect or disengage, I hope that you’re able to take it. For whatever it’s worth, you have my permission to prioritize yourself. Tomorrow can be about the fight but today can be about you.

Make It Stop

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It hurts right now and I want someone to make it stop.

We’ve seen this before. When George Floyd was murdered I thought, “I’m glad they at least got this one on camera.” But I wasn’t shocked, that part left a long time ago.

I might have been shocked when Trayvon Martin was killed. Maybe a little when Breonna Taylor was shot and killed in her home. When Walter Scott was shot in the back, when Alton Sterling was killed for selling CDs. Maybe there was a little left when Michael Brown was shot in the back twelve times and killed. When Freddie Gray was beaten to death in a police van. It was pretty much gone when Ahmaud Arbery was murdered while jogging.

What a terrible thought, and a horrible realization. I wasn’t surprised to see a man murdered, and I wasn’t surprised to see other people stand around watching. The man’s crime was being black, and I’ve known for a long time what the sentence can be.

I live here and I don’t feel safe. I’ve committed the same crime of being black. If I get pulled over, I could die. Better make sure my taillights work.

That’s not new, and neither is the pain of it. The only thing new is people paying attention to it.

I’m glad the national conversation has turned towards police brutality and institutional racism. I only wish so many of us didn’t have to die to make that happen.

I almost feel grief. But grief is something you feel about events in the past. This is still happening. I still wonder if the cop that pulls me over is going to take my life because he’s having a bad day. I wonder if a lawyer is going to tell my mom “sorry, but we won’t be able to press charges.”

I wonder what it’s like to feel like you belong.

I’m struggling to move forward. I don’t know what forward looks like. I fully expect these protests to go on for a few more days, and then for people to forget and go back to their regular lives. I hope I’m wrong but I’m not holding my breath.

Though I’m struggling to move forward, the love I’ve received, the check-ins, the support, they’re helping. They remind me that if any good comes out of all this, it will come from us together.

If you’re another minority, if you’re a woman, if you got made fun of in school, if you’re queer, if you’re short, if you’re different – we’re on the same team. Maybe remembering that will get us somewhere.

Tell someone you love them today. Let them know, in your own words, you’ve got their back. I don’t know what’s coming next but I do know none of us can face it alone.

Having A Hard Time

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I’m having a hard time.

Quarantine has been very difficult for me. I know I’m lucky. I haven’t gotten sick and no one close to me has died from the virus. But I don’t feel lucky at all.

Overnight I watched as nearly everything that brings me joy was taken away from me. I can’t see the people I care about. I can’t visit or hug my friends. Can’t play sports or even watch them.

I can’t touch a door knob without wondering if it’s lethal. No vacations, no weddings, no parties, no smiles.

I own a business and I watched my clients shut down one after another. In just a couple weeks I saw my income drop by 90%. It’s been stressful.

I’d built a good life for myself and then the bottom fell out. I got depressed. I am depressed.

Of course I want to feel better. Of course I want to be happy. I hate feeling this way. But I catch myself wondering if I’ll ever truly be happy again.

It sounds dramatic but those are the thoughts I’m fighting. Logically I know the lock-down won’t last forever. But knowing that doesn’t make the feeling go away.

I’m not sharing this for sympathy. I’m sharing this force myself to own these feelings and to not be embarrassed by them.

Whatever you feel, however you’re handling this (or any other) situation, there should be no shame.

If you’re struggling, you need no additional justification. And if you’re doing well, even if you’re thriving, that’s fine too.

The suffering comes when we judge ourselves. It comes when we hide our feelings from people, or think, “it could be worse so I’m not allowed to be upset.”

That’s not how it works. There is no suffering olympics. There is no measuring stick for how bad your life has to be before you’re allowed to cry about it.

I’m having a hard time and that’s ok. Whatever you’re having – that’s ok too.

Rising Above Our Problems

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When I’m facing a problem, I often get tunnel vision. The problem becomes the only thing I see, the only thing I focus on.

More than that – if I’m not careful, I begin to define myself by my problems. I become them.

I’m running late turns into, “I’m a person who’s always late.” Trouble with a loved one becomes “I can’t have good relationships.” Overspending my budget has me saying “I am bad with money.”

I need to remember that I’m simply a person facing these problems. That’s it.

That’s the only way I’ll be in a position (and have the perspective) to find a solution.

I’m facing my problems but I am not defined by them.

Neither are you.

The Gifts We Don’t Give

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Are you good at something?

Maybe it’s something that doesn’t seem important. Or a talent that doesn’t feel special. You probably assume everyone else can do that thing as well as you can.

I bet you they can’t. I bet the thing you’re good at makes you a lot more special than you’d think. And that it doesn’t come as easily to everyone as it does to you.

What if you took that talent, whatever it is, and nurtured it a little? What if you took that class, started that project, picked up that paint brush?

You may have gone your whole life without exploring your gift. I say try the other way and give it a chance.

What do you have to lose? How much more could you have to gain?

Freaking Out When Things Are OK

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I’m lucky. I live in a developed country, was born in the 20th Century (yay internet), raised in a middle class home. I have a million things going for me.

It can be a struggle, sometimes, to figure out how grateful I’m supposed to be for all the good things that have happened to me.

I’ve been given more opportunities than many, many other people. There are also plenty of people who’ve been given more than me.

So should I give half my money to charity? Work at a food bank? Or is it ok to skip the volunteering if I carry around the appropriate amount of guilt? How much guilt would that even be? And anyway I never asked for all this.

I could spend my energy worrying that I don’t deserve this stuff, or waiting for something to go wrong, so that things “even out.”

I don’t know how guilty I’m supposed to feel when things are good. But I do know that people less fortunate than me don’t gain anything by me feeling unworthy.

All I can do is make the most of the opportunities in front of me and try to do something positive along the way. Waiting for the bad never does any good.